A Mother's Day

As the month of May quickly approaches and I walk through the card aisle in the drugstore I can already guess what people will be saying, or at least thinking.

Mother’s Day is going to be so difficult for you.

Well, yes, of course. And no, not really.

Mother’s Day will be painful not because I cannot hand deliver flowers and a card to my mom, but simply because it is another Sunday without my mom here with us. Another day I cannot share a joke or grumble that she is talking way too loud or watch her frantically hail down the ice cream truck with the kids. Another day that I cannot show off my new duvet cover and ask if she thinks that it brightens up the room. A trivial subject matter, but something she would have wanted to share her opinions about.

There are times that I am so overwhelmed that my mom is no longer here with me that I can barely catch my breath. Then there are moments when I have to remind myself that she is gone. I arrive home to a blinking light on my machine and my first thought is that it’s her. I leave a doctor’s appointment with my kids and I instinctively pick up my phone to deliver a detailed report. I drive by the train station where I would pick her up and for a brief moment I am compelled to stop the car and wait for her. The image of her clumsily climbing off the train and insisting that the conductor wave to her grandsons is so ingrained in my head that it feels like it is happening at that very moment.

Often during her visits she would insist on being driven to TJ Maxx or Michael’s or some other store where she would proceed to buy a few tchotchkes for her grandchildren. Sometimes I would smile at the cute purchases; other times I would bemoan the lack of space to store these random items. Now I am just so grateful that we have these little items all over the house to remember her by. A small statue of a boy playing baseball. Puppets in the shapes of vegetables. The easy button from Staples. A Thomas alarm clock. An abundance of garbage trucks and dump trucks and race cars. A stationery box for my son where she inscribed the words, “A special box for all the special things you will collect in your lifetime. You will need many more boxes.”    

On this Mother’s Day, like every other day since my mom’s passing, I will take deep breaths, shed a few tears and hopefully laugh a little. And I will try my best to resist hiding under my bright white duvet cover.    

AND THE AWARD GOES TO…

In honor of this year’s awards season, I have compiled a list of some unconventional but indispensable gift ideas for new parents. Newborn layettes, wipes warmers, bassinets and jumbo toys are nice, but if you want your gift to be something a new parent simply cannot live without, the following items will not disappoint.

First-time parents tend to be a bit anxious when trying to decipher whether their baby is sick, teething or simply a little fussy. I’ve found that the quick and easy-to-use Exergen Temporal Scanner can be a lifesaver. Some say it’s not quite as accurate as other methods, but it’s certainly a good starting point for figuring out if there is any immediate cause for concern.

The one item that no new parent can ever have too many of is diapers, so why not make sure they’re stocked up! Take a trip to a big box store like Costco or BJ’s, buy one or two big boxes of diapers, stick a bow on top and you’ve got yourself the most useful gift any parent could ever ask for. Tip: Do a little research first and find out what brand and size diapers they use.  

What is the one thing new parents always have too little of? Sleep! Why not put together a sleep-themed basket filled with goodies that will help infants get a little more shut-eye. My children never stayed swaddled in a receiving blanket for more than ten minutes, so I always relied on Halo Sleepsacks to keep them snuggly and warm. Sound machines are a great way to let the baby know that it’s time to settle down. Add a personalized blanket, a little stuffed animal or a cute crib sheet and you’re good to go. Tip: Make sure the stuffed animal is machine washable.

When mealtime consists of breast milk or formula, it’s hard to imagine needing much more than a burp cloth and a tiny bib to keep things neat and tidy. Yet eventually the day will arrive when mealtimes become so messy that some parents might consider moving as an alternative to cleaning up. If you know a new parent who doesn’t own a Dustbuster, hurry and buy one for them before the Cheerios hit the fan.

Clothing is always welcomed, but if you really want your gift to be remembered, buy something sized 12 months or up. I found that my first child was very well-dressed up until about nine months, until one day I looked in the closet and realized he didn’t have a thing to wear! A tip I learned from my mom: always avoid buying newborn-sized clothes, most outgrow them in about five minutes!

Baby gifts are always appreciated, but it never hurts to also bring a little something special for the exhausted new parents. Treat the new mom to a pedicure or provide the couple with movie tickets to give them an incentive to spend one night out of the house. While you’re at it, offer to babysit for an afternoon while the baby is napping to allow them to get out and run a few quick errands or even simply grab a cup of coffee in peace. You would be surprised at what two hours out of the house can do to refresh frazzled new parents.

What is the one gift that you would recommend for a new parent?

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REAL HOUSEWIVES ARE JUST LIKE TODDLERS

This post is dedicated to my mom, my favorite person to laugh with and my favorite person to watch the Real Housewives with.

Here is my list of the top ten ways the Real Housewives are just like toddlers:

1.      Lisa refuses to wear anything but pink.

2.      Ramona needs to bring a bottle with her wherever she goes to ensure that she always has something to drink.

3.      Carlton has a “playroom” in her house.

4.      LuAnn is constantly telling everyone that she is royalty.

5.      Yolanda refuses to have anything but juice at every meal.

6.      Teresa tends to throw food and flip tables when she doesn’t get her way.

7.      Jill needs to work on using her “inside voice”.

8.      Brandi doesn’t see anything wrong with someone peeing by the side of a pool at a party.

9.      Kim Z. hates it when her parents show up at her events.

10.  Everyone is always chauffeured around to wherever they need to go.

Which Real Housewife do you think is most like a toddler?

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BAGELS AND CREAM CHEESE

I arrived at my parents’ apartment at 9:00am that Saturday morning. I rang the bell and immediately heard the poodle’s bark. My mom opened the door and grabbed the bag of bagels from me. She asked if I brought any surprise treats for her.

I brought you an almond horn. I know it’s your favorite.

My mom casually thanked me and inquired if I had brought her any cookies in addition to the almond horn. I sighed and got to work setting the table and slicing bagels. I put the vegetable cream cheese out and my dad comes out to greet me with coffee.

No lox?

Of course I brought lox, Mom. I know how much you love it.

My parents and I sit down and the poodle assumes her spot under the table waiting for someone to accidentally drop some food. I sneak her little bites of my bagel which she quickly scoops up. I remind my mom that I don’t have much time because I don’t want to be late for my haircut. She informs me that I get too many haircuts.

I really don’t need you to lecture me every single time I schedule a haircut.

My mom smiles her signature toothy grin and proceeds with another lecture. She tells me that once in a while it wouldn’t hurt to listen to my mother. After all, she has been around a while and has learned a few things along the way.

We eat and we talk and as usual there is not a single moment of silence between us. We discuss plotlines from the show Parenthood. We talk about parenthood. About her two little grandkids who love her to pieces. I tell her about teacher conferences, gym classes, blog posts and upcoming holiday shows. She asks me what book she should read next and I tell her that she would like the new Delia Ephron book. She asks me what to get for her Secret Hanukkah person this year. I ask her who she has, and she says she has me.

Finally, even the almond horn is gone.

I really have to go. I don’t want to be late for my haircut.

I say goodbye and shut the door.

Except that I never had the chance to say goodbye. I never got to have that breakfast with my mom. She was already at the hospital that morning. I had been in the hospital room with her all night but never said goodbye because I didn’t think I had to. Not then.

She died that Saturday afternoon. When she passed away I was at her house. Feeding the poodle.

There are so many things I still have to tell her. There was never any silence between us. Now it is painfully quiet. I just want one more chance to tell her everything.

Your four-year-old grandson talks to Clifford when he has something to say to you. He is taking good care of him just like you asked him to.

Your one-year-old grandson seems to only want to play with the toys you got him. It’s like he’s playing with you. Are you there playing with him?

I should have brought you breakfast on Friday morning.

I love you, Mom.

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CARTOON TWEETS OF THE WEEK

Why doesn’t anyone ever dress up as me for #Halloween? #CaillouCravesAttention

But seriously, where the heck are my parents? #IsRubyMyMother?

How does #Obamacare affect my practice? #DocMcStuffinsGetsPolitical

Is #Sofia’s castle anywhere near mine? #MiketheKnightIsBored

Why do I have to climb over rocks, cross bridges, jump over muddy rivers and run through forests every freakin time I go out to play, but the Backyardigans never even have to leave their backyard? #DoraNeedsABreak

Does anyone happen to know Lisa Simpson’s phone number? #SidWantsAGirlfriend

MOM-MEH

Inspired by The New York Times Magazine's weekly Meh List, I decided I would put together my own Mom-meh List. Here are the ten things that I deem to be "meh" this week:

1. Spending $100 on a video that teaches your baby how to read
2. Coasters with family pictures
3. Pretzel goldfish
4. Designer diapers
5. Lalaloopsy
6. Pumpkin seeds
7. Winter crocs
8. Planes
9. Baby wipe warmers
10. Build-a-Bear

What would be on your Mom-meh List?

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HOMEWORK

I’ve been out of school for a few years now, but every so often I still have THE DREAM. I arrive at school and suddenly realize that I haven’t studied for the big test that has somehow completely slipped my mind. All these years after graduating, why am I still having nightmares about homework and test taking?! Recently it hit me: Parents have homework too.  

Case in point: my math skills were put to the test when my son came home from school with a slip for ordering school pictures. The task seemed simple enough. After all, I only wanted to order a couple of pictures for us and the grandparents. Then I noticed that you could not purchase anything a la carte without getting one of the packages. And somehow none of the packages included what I wanted. And with each price increase it seemed as if all I would be getting were more wallet-sized photos. (Meanwhile, the last time I saw someone pull out a wallet-sized photo was around the same time I purchased my trusty StarTAC phone). I had to do some quick calculations to figure out which package would be the best bang for my buck. The cheapest option only got me a couple of the pictures I wanted, plus eight wallet sized photos. Did it make sense to order more a la carte, or should I just purchase the more expensive package that came with a lot more photos that I really didn’t need? After putting my limited math skills to the test I think I may have accidentally ended up purchasing one 5x7 and 79 wallet sized photos for $299. But the photo package also came with a brand new StarTAC phone, so everyone was a winner.

As a parent you are also constantly quizzed on creativity. Throughout the year these tests present themselves in various forms, such as during birthdays when you have to bring in a fabulous snack for school, plan the ultimate party and find the perfect present. They also pop up during holidays such as Valentine’s Day when you must prepare cute little Valentine’s for all of your child’s classmates. But the final exam is definitely Halloween. Forget about creepy ghosts and goblins, if you really want to be scared out of your mind try putting together a unique homemade costume for your child(ren) every single year. Extra bonus points if you come up with a family theme. A++ for finding a hat that will stay on your child for the duration of trick-or-treating. (Let me save you some time. This hat does not exist). Thankfully, I have already had an honest conversation with myself and admitted that I will never be the mom who whips together the amazing Halloween costume from a few random things that happen to be lying around the house. So the pressure is off (a little).   

Another challenge that parents face is proper nutrition for their children. It doesn’t help that there is an obscene amount of literature available online about every single thing that can harm your child if ingested. Most of these articles close with, “While there is no conclusive evidence that this will harm your child, there is also no evidence that this won’t harm your child.” Perfect! Meanwhile, for the first time this year I have to pack a snack every day for my son to take to school. Before school started I dutifully headed to the supermarket to stock up on some goodies. On his first day, I sent my little man off to school with a few organic carrot sticks and a mini bag of pretzels shaped like Planes (Dusty, his favorite!) I felt proud all morning knowing that my son had been sent off with a snack that was the perfect mix of wholesome goodness and timely playfulness. Then at school pick-up my son informed me that I had forgotten to pack a drink. I gently reminded him about the adorable pretzels shaped like planes and he not so gently reminded me that he really could have used a few sips of water that morning. Fail.

Finally, let’s not forget all of the physical education we have to endure as parents of young children. I spend my days schlepping around a heavy car seat, throwing overflowing diaper bags over my weary shoulders and lugging a hefty double stroller in and out of my car trunk. My one-year-old spends his mornings demanding to be lifted up, then put down, then up again…finally I put him down for a nap and my four-year old decides he wants to play basketball, baseball, volleyball and tag, in that order. I always knew that parenthood would test my emotions, but no one prepares you for how physically demanding it will be. Seriously, why aren’t the pounds just falling off of me?! (No, seriously, why?!?!?)

What homework does your child bring home for you? Do you usually pass or fail?

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