BAGELS AND CREAM CHEESE

I arrived at my parents’ apartment at 9:00am that Saturday morning. I rang the bell and immediately heard the poodle’s bark. My mom opened the door and grabbed the bag of bagels from me. She asked if I brought any surprise treats for her.

I brought you an almond horn. I know it’s your favorite.

My mom casually thanked me and inquired if I had brought her any cookies in addition to the almond horn. I sighed and got to work setting the table and slicing bagels. I put the vegetable cream cheese out and my dad comes out to greet me with coffee.

No lox?

Of course I brought lox, Mom. I know how much you love it.

My parents and I sit down and the poodle assumes her spot under the table waiting for someone to accidentally drop some food. I sneak her little bites of my bagel which she quickly scoops up. I remind my mom that I don’t have much time because I don’t want to be late for my haircut. She informs me that I get too many haircuts.

I really don’t need you to lecture me every single time I schedule a haircut.

My mom smiles her signature toothy grin and proceeds with another lecture. She tells me that once in a while it wouldn’t hurt to listen to my mother. After all, she has been around a while and has learned a few things along the way.

We eat and we talk and as usual there is not a single moment of silence between us. We discuss plotlines from the show Parenthood. We talk about parenthood. About her two little grandkids who love her to pieces. I tell her about teacher conferences, gym classes, blog posts and upcoming holiday shows. She asks me what book she should read next and I tell her that she would like the new Delia Ephron book. She asks me what to get for her Secret Hanukkah person this year. I ask her who she has, and she says she has me.

Finally, even the almond horn is gone.

I really have to go. I don’t want to be late for my haircut.

I say goodbye and shut the door.

Except that I never had the chance to say goodbye. I never got to have that breakfast with my mom. She was already at the hospital that morning. I had been in the hospital room with her all night but never said goodbye because I didn’t think I had to. Not then.

She died that Saturday afternoon. When she passed away I was at her house. Feeding the poodle.

There are so many things I still have to tell her. There was never any silence between us. Now it is painfully quiet. I just want one more chance to tell her everything.

Your four-year-old grandson talks to Clifford when he has something to say to you. He is taking good care of him just like you asked him to.

Your one-year-old grandson seems to only want to play with the toys you got him. It’s like he’s playing with you. Are you there playing with him?

I should have brought you breakfast on Friday morning.

I love you, Mom.

You can follow Mom-fiction on Facebook and Twitter.

CARTOON TWEETS OF THE WEEK

Why doesn’t anyone ever dress up as me for #Halloween? #CaillouCravesAttention

But seriously, where the heck are my parents? #IsRubyMyMother?

How does #Obamacare affect my practice? #DocMcStuffinsGetsPolitical

Is #Sofia’s castle anywhere near mine? #MiketheKnightIsBored

Why do I have to climb over rocks, cross bridges, jump over muddy rivers and run through forests every freakin time I go out to play, but the Backyardigans never even have to leave their backyard? #DoraNeedsABreak

Does anyone happen to know Lisa Simpson’s phone number? #SidWantsAGirlfriend

MOM-MEH

Inspired by The New York Times Magazine's weekly Meh List, I decided I would put together my own Mom-meh List. Here are the ten things that I deem to be "meh" this week:

1. Spending $100 on a video that teaches your baby how to read
2. Coasters with family pictures
3. Pretzel goldfish
4. Designer diapers
5. Lalaloopsy
6. Pumpkin seeds
7. Winter crocs
8. Planes
9. Baby wipe warmers
10. Build-a-Bear

What would be on your Mom-meh List?

Don't forget to 'Like' me on Facebook and follow me on Twitter!

HOMEWORK

I’ve been out of school for a few years now, but every so often I still have THE DREAM. I arrive at school and suddenly realize that I haven’t studied for the big test that has somehow completely slipped my mind. All these years after graduating, why am I still having nightmares about homework and test taking?! Recently it hit me: Parents have homework too.  

Case in point: my math skills were put to the test when my son came home from school with a slip for ordering school pictures. The task seemed simple enough. After all, I only wanted to order a couple of pictures for us and the grandparents. Then I noticed that you could not purchase anything a la carte without getting one of the packages. And somehow none of the packages included what I wanted. And with each price increase it seemed as if all I would be getting were more wallet-sized photos. (Meanwhile, the last time I saw someone pull out a wallet-sized photo was around the same time I purchased my trusty StarTAC phone). I had to do some quick calculations to figure out which package would be the best bang for my buck. The cheapest option only got me a couple of the pictures I wanted, plus eight wallet sized photos. Did it make sense to order more a la carte, or should I just purchase the more expensive package that came with a lot more photos that I really didn’t need? After putting my limited math skills to the test I think I may have accidentally ended up purchasing one 5x7 and 79 wallet sized photos for $299. But the photo package also came with a brand new StarTAC phone, so everyone was a winner.

As a parent you are also constantly quizzed on creativity. Throughout the year these tests present themselves in various forms, such as during birthdays when you have to bring in a fabulous snack for school, plan the ultimate party and find the perfect present. They also pop up during holidays such as Valentine’s Day when you must prepare cute little Valentine’s for all of your child’s classmates. But the final exam is definitely Halloween. Forget about creepy ghosts and goblins, if you really want to be scared out of your mind try putting together a unique homemade costume for your child(ren) every single year. Extra bonus points if you come up with a family theme. A++ for finding a hat that will stay on your child for the duration of trick-or-treating. (Let me save you some time. This hat does not exist). Thankfully, I have already had an honest conversation with myself and admitted that I will never be the mom who whips together the amazing Halloween costume from a few random things that happen to be lying around the house. So the pressure is off (a little).   

Another challenge that parents face is proper nutrition for their children. It doesn’t help that there is an obscene amount of literature available online about every single thing that can harm your child if ingested. Most of these articles close with, “While there is no conclusive evidence that this will harm your child, there is also no evidence that this won’t harm your child.” Perfect! Meanwhile, for the first time this year I have to pack a snack every day for my son to take to school. Before school started I dutifully headed to the supermarket to stock up on some goodies. On his first day, I sent my little man off to school with a few organic carrot sticks and a mini bag of pretzels shaped like Planes (Dusty, his favorite!) I felt proud all morning knowing that my son had been sent off with a snack that was the perfect mix of wholesome goodness and timely playfulness. Then at school pick-up my son informed me that I had forgotten to pack a drink. I gently reminded him about the adorable pretzels shaped like planes and he not so gently reminded me that he really could have used a few sips of water that morning. Fail.

Finally, let’s not forget all of the physical education we have to endure as parents of young children. I spend my days schlepping around a heavy car seat, throwing overflowing diaper bags over my weary shoulders and lugging a hefty double stroller in and out of my car trunk. My one-year-old spends his mornings demanding to be lifted up, then put down, then up again…finally I put him down for a nap and my four-year old decides he wants to play basketball, baseball, volleyball and tag, in that order. I always knew that parenthood would test my emotions, but no one prepares you for how physically demanding it will be. Seriously, why aren’t the pounds just falling off of me?! (No, seriously, why?!?!?)

What homework does your child bring home for you? Do you usually pass or fail?

Your homework for the day: follow me on Twitter and 'like' me on Facebook.

PARENTING 102

New parents receive a lot of conflicting advice on how to best care for their children. We all know what to expect when we’re expecting, but what about after that? Thankfully, mom-fiction is here with solutions for your most pressing parenting questions.

HOW TO GET YOUR INFANT TO SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT

It takes a modicum of mental strength but with enough practice anyone can master this method. Little ones crave routine, so establish one early on. After the nighttime feeding, turn on soft music and switch on a nightlight to indicate to the baby that it’s time to settle down. If your infant is still young enough, swaddle. Quietly close the door and head downstairs. Sit on the living room couch. Do not attempt to eat dinner. Stay away from books, magazines, newspapers, work, etc. Do not call ANYONE. If you move even a muscle, your baby will sense that you are trying to accomplish something and will begin to stir.  If you can master sleeping while sitting up on the couch you’ve got it made.
 

HOW TO GET YOUR TODDLER TO EAT

This one is a little simpler. Put your plate of dinner in front of your child. As per usual, the child will refuse to eat anything on the plate. Proceed to the kitchen and retrieve their plate and bring it to the table, placing it in front of you. Attempt to take a bite from this plate. Your toddler will begin to plea, nay beg, for whatever is in front of you. At first, refuse to give them anything off this plate. After a couple of minutes, finally agree to switch plates. N.B. This method works even if you have identical meals.

HOW TO GET YOUR PRESCHOOLERS TO CLEAN UP THEIR TOYS

Announce that you are about to do some chores and that you don’t want any help. Your child will immediately start following you around the house and demand to help with whatever you are doing. This is when you start putting away their cars and crayons.

 

POTTY TRAINING

There really is no easy way to potty train your child so your best bet is to focus on taking preventative measures to ensure that clean-up is a breeze. This means that you should rip up every single rug in your house (don’t forget the bath rug!) and get rid of any furniture that cannot be easily wiped down. For six months, it’s probably not a good idea to go anywhere if you are going to be more than 20 seconds away from a bathroom. Also, it’s smart to have at least five backup sets of sheets.

 

HOW TO MAKE SURE YOU HAVE AT LEAST TWO HOURS TO YOURSELF EVERYDAY

Are you crazy?!?!?!

 

What is the best advice for new parents? To follow me on Twitter and ‘Like’ me on Facebook.

2ND ANNUAL FALLING FOR TV

It’s what you’ve all been desperately waiting for: my shortlist of which new television shows to watch this fall.  I’ve noticed that three of my must-see shows are on CBS, and none of them are on the CW. I feel old.

 

Mom (CBS)
Premieres Sept. 23rd at 9:30/8:30c

Anna Faris is Christy; a newly sober, single mom of two children who moves to Napa Valley to live with her critical, estranged mom, played by Allison Janney. Christy also has to contend with a married boss/lover, a crazy co-worker and an irresponsible ex-husband.  Sounds like just the right amount of dysfunction for my taste.

Hostages (CBS)

Premieres Sept. 23rd at 10/9c

Toni Collette plays a surgeon hired to operate on the President of the United States. Before she even has time to update her LinkedIn profile, Dylan McDermott shows up as a rogue FBI agent who threatens the lives of her family if she doesn’t follow his orders to kill the president.   

 

Marvel Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D (ABC)

Premieres Sept. 24th at 8/7c
The adventures of six agents who are members of a covert crime-fighting organization. Clark Gregg reprises his role as Agent Phil Coulson from a movie I’ve never seen but which apparently made a little money at the box office last year. Personally, I will be watching because Joss Whedon is awesome. Also, the creative team has collectively worked on Alias, Angel, Smallville, Dollhouse, Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog, Lost and Heroes so this may be worth giving a shot.
 

The Goldbergs (ABC)

Premieres Sept. 24th at 9/8c
A comedy about a loud, smothering Jewish family set in the 80’s. You had me at loud. The Goldbergs is a semi-autobiographical show from creator Adam Goldberg. It’s being compared to The Wonder Years, which makes me feel really old because I was around Kevin’s age when that show was on, and now I’m closer to Jeff Garlin’s age. Oy vey. The comedy stars Jeff Garlin and Wendi McLendon-Covey.

 

The Crazy Ones (CBS)
Premieres Sept. 26th at 9/8c
I’m kind of wishing that Robin Williams had played Sarah Michelle Gellar’s father on Buffy, but I guess I’ll have to settle for this David E. Kelley sitcom about a family run advertising agency. James Wolk apparently impressed producers with his ad man character on Mad Men because he is also employed at this ad agency. The buzz is around Kelly Clarkson’s cameo in the first episode, but personally I will be watching to see if James Wolk helps to hire any nurses for Robin Williams’ mom.
 

The Michael J. Fox Show (NBC)

Premieres Sept. 26th at 9:30/8:30c
The preview for this show made me chuckle so I will definitely be tuning in to watch Fox playing a character based on his own experiences living with Parkinson’s. Fox will play Mike Henry, a news anchor returning to work after a five-year hiatus. This looks like just the right combination of heart and comedy.

 

Almost Human (FOX)
Premieres Nov. 4th at 8/9c
Set 35 years in the future when all cops are obliged to be partnered with highly evolved human-like androids. This latest sci-fi offering from J.J. Abrams doesn’t look nearly as layered as Fringe but I always like to give his shows a chance. I am admittedly unfamiliar with the male leads Karl Urban and Michael Ealy, but the female leads make up for that (Minka Kelly and Lili Taylor).

 

About a Boy (NBC)
Midseason; Tuesdays at 9/8c
Jason Katims (Friday Night Lights, Parenthood) is the executive producer of this remake of the 2002 film (based on the bestselling novel by Nick Hornby), so be prepared to laugh and cry at least ten times during every episode. The super cute David Walton plays the man-child who lives next door to a needy mother (played by Minnie Driver) and her precocious 11-year old son (played by Benjamin Stockham).

 

Us and Them (Fox)
Midseason; TBA
Let me get this straight: Rory Gilmore is now dating Jason Ritter, who dated Sarah Braverman on Parenthood, played by Lauren Graham, who played Rory’s mom on Gilmore Girls. This all seems a little incestuous but Jason Ritter and Alexis Bledel seem cute together so this may just work after all.

And please take a moment during commercial breaks to follow me on Twitter and like me on Facebook.

 

LABELS

Yesterday I did something completely out of character. I registered for my very first 5K run. This might not seem like a particularly remarkable feat, but for those who know me personally this is a big deal. I believe my greatest athletic accomplishment thus far has been being named Gym Class Athlete of the Month in my high school newspaper. My lack of athleticism is a tad embarrassing since I happen to be married to an NCAA champion, but my four-year-old has been teaching me a few skills on the basketball court so I like to think of myself as a work-in-progress.

Exactly one year ago I did something else that was also completely out of character. I started this blog. I remember spending hours mulling over whether I should share my first post but eventually I just took the plunge. Initially, I cringed at the thought of sharing my thoughts. My words. I mean, at least twenty people must have read that first post! Ironically, my first blog post was about embarrassing myself when I fell off a stationary bike in my first spin class. Now, one year later, I am writing about preparing for my first race. I’m not running a marathon, but it’s still nice to think that I’ve made a little progress.  

Sometimes I get a little jealous of my boys. Their days are filled with all of the various activities we have planned for them: gym classes, playdates, soccer, swim lessons, music class, etc. We are always pushing them towards new experiences, introducing them to new people and bringing them to new places where they can explore and learn. Adults don’t have it quite as easy. If we want to do something new we have to plan it ourselves, carve out time in our tight schedules, and then follow through. We all have so many daunting obligations to work, family and friends that doing something new, something for ourselves, becomes a non-priority.

I’m not sure when it happened, but at some point during the past few months I started thinking of myself as a blogger. A writer. Labels are a funny thing. When you’re younger and in school labels often just fall into your lap. You’re the class athlete, class clown, drama geek or bookworm. As an adult, I’d like to think that I have a little more control over how people perceive me and how I want to spend my time. It’s not always easy, but I’ve learned that sometimes you have to label yourself and just let life catch up to that.

Over the past year I decided to call myself a blogger. And a runner.

I’m looking forward to deciding what to call myself next.

P.S. If you want to give me a one-year blogging anniversary present, please like me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter!

LIFE’S (SOMETIMES) A BEACH

Last week my husband and I stuffed our car with two suitcases, a stroller, the diaper bag, the beach bag, snacks, sippy cups and a mountain of sand and water toys and headed to the beach for a few days. I can't help but think to myself that whoever came up with the expression “life’s a beach” surely has never been to the beach with a one-year-old and a four-year-old.

This thought first crossed my mind after we had all settled in with our beach chairs, towels and umbrellas. I decided to sink into my own chair with a drink and a book and got about three pages in when my husband called me over to help. Big bro was desperate to start building his sandcastle, while all little bro wanted to do was eat sand. I reluctantly put my book down and picked it up again exactly zero more times. The book sat in my beach bag taunting me alongside the four magazines that I had also brought (silly me, I had previously contemplated whether that would be enough reading material).

I realized that I probably wouldn’t be making it to the spa this vacation.

Then it started raining.

With my family huddled under umbrellas trying to stay dry, I decided it would be a good time to pick up some lunch for us. By the time I arrived back with a bag of goodies, the sun had come out again and I started to get back into vacation mode. I doled out chicken fingers, French fries, fish tacos, pulled pork sandwiches, and frozen lemonades. I sank into my chair and was about to bite into my fish taco when suddenly a seagull swarmed down right in front of my son and ripped into his chicken fingers. The seagull flew away, I recovered from my mini heart attack, and we all just sat there staring at the nibbled on chicken. I made the neurotic mommy decision that it would be too gross to let my son finish his lunch, and after much cajoling he finally agreed to share my lunch. Surprisingly, he ended up finishing a whole fish taco.

After lunch, we endeavored to get little Bro down for a nap. We were certain that the ocean air and soothing sounds of the nearby waves would lull him to sleep in a matter of minutes. Instead, we ended up spending the next half hour struggling to get him to stop squirming away from us in his quest to find more sand to ingest. I looked around at the other adults sitting nearby, lounging with drinks in hand, napping, reading or just gazing at the ocean. Feeling defeated, I turned back to my one-year-old, who was grinning at me with a mouthful of sand. I couldn’t help but grin right back. Then I looked over at his big bro who was busy at work burying his poor daddy in the sand and I couldn’t help but start giggling.

I’ve decided to change the meaning of the expression “life’s a beach”. For me, that now means that sometimes life can be hard, but it is also totally worth it. You may not be able to read your book like you planned, but you may end up helping to construct your child’s first sandcastle. It may start raining at any moment, but when the sun comes back out you appreciate it even more. You may lose a chicken finger or two along the way, but maybe your kid will end up trying something new. You may try to get your one-year-old down for a nap….yeah, there really wasn’t any silver lining to that one…

So yes. Life’s a beach. It’s messy and unpredictable and exquisite. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

You can follow mom-fiction on Facebook or Twitter

THE PARENTING GAME

I’m not a sports fan (much to the chagrin of my husband) but I’ve always loved how baseball can be symbolic of so many crucial life lessons. I thought it might be valuable to consider how baseball can teach us all a thing or two about parenting and what lessons to pass on to our children.

 

Learn how to lose

My four-year-old hates to lose, whether he’s playing basketball, a board game or a computer game. That doesn’t mean that when he insists on climbing up a chute I don’t patiently explain to him that he can only climb up ladders. Little kids might throw the occasional fit if they don’t get their way, but the only way to stop those tantrums is if they realize they can’t change the rules of the game. Learning how to strike out is just as crucial as learning how to succeed.

 

Realize the importance of the sacrifice

Once in a while you’re going to have to give something up for someone else on your team. Sometimes you may have to share your toys, finish chores before going out to play, or miss out on something because of the family’s busy schedules. The good news is that the team you sacrificed for will also be there for you if you need something.   

 

It’s ain’t over till it’s over

The thing I love most about baseball is that unlike so many other sports, a team can be down by a lot but they always have a chance to win, even in the last inning. A day in the life of a parent is long and there are countless ways to screw up (both for the child and the grownup). But you can always end the day with a good bedtime story, and as long as your kid goes to bed happy and in one piece, consider it a home run.

 

Watch out for curve balls

The one thing you can plan for as a parent is that you can never count on anything going as planned. Excited for that vacation you have coming up? Someone is probably going to get sick. Planning to make a phone call during your child’s naptime? They will only want to nap for twenty minutes that day. I find the hardest thing about being a mother is the uncertainty of knowing from minute to minute what problem you will have to solve. Once I relinquished the idea that everything would go as planned, parenting all of a sudden got a lot easier.

 

Don’t forget about the 7^th inning stretch

Kids have a funny little habit of making everything about themselves, but sometimes you need to step away from whatever you’re doing and give yourself a break, even if it’s for five minutes. Modern parents pride themselves on getting down on the floor and playing with their kids, on keeping them away from the television and computer, for making all of their organic meals from scratch. These accomplishments are all definitely things to be proud of, but once in a blue moon it’s ok to turn on Disney Jr., hand your kid a lollipop (organic, of course), and take ten minutes for yourself. As long as you’re not singing Cotton-Eye Joe, this time out will be worth it.

 

If things get really boring, get everyone a hot dog

Or at least some Cracker Jacks…

…but stay away from the juice.

 

You can follow mom-fiction on Twitter or Facebook.

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE DUCHESS OF CAMBRIDGE

Dear Duchess,

Given the imminent birth of your first child, I wanted to offer you some advice on what to expect in the delivery room. I’ve read reports that you are planning on having a natural birth, and that you are going to get through it by listening to soothing music. I too was advised to bring music to the hospital and was assured that it would distract me from the pain. Wrong! Please, take my word for it, unless you are using your iPod to throw at everyone who keeps telling you to ‘just breathe’, it really won’t do you much good.

During my first pregnancy, a prenatal class instructor advised me to think of other distractions to bring to the hospital in addition to music. During one class I was given a paper plate and was told to draw a comforting image. I drew my husband and me lying on two beach chairs facing the ocean. In retrospect, I should have drawn me, ripping a paper plate into a million pieces and throwing it out of a hospital window.

Will your royal servants be packing your hospital bag? You must be wondering what you’ll need! Don’t go crazy packing a million things. I’m sure William will run out and get you anything you forgot at the castle. Personally, the first time I was pregnant I arrived at the hospital with a huge duffel bag, filled mostly with a fluffy robe that I NEVER TOOK OUT OF THE BAG. It laid there right next to the fancy pajamas that I NEVER TOOK OUT OF THE BAG. Did you also happen to see the episode of Tori and Dean when Tori Spelling is wearing a designer hospital gown? I foolishly assumed that I, too, would care what I looked like for visitors, but I am here to tell you that Tori might have gone a little too far with that one.

Have you picked a name yet? I would highly recommend doing that before the birth. And if William tells you he wants to wait and see what the baby looks like before making any final decisions, feel free to tell him what I told my husband, “The baby will look like a BABY, not like an Elliott or a Frank.”   

Speaking of your husband, don’t let him try to talk you into a double room. I remember when I told my husband that I wanted to try and get my own room he quite rudely responded, “Those rooms are so expensive. Who do you think you are, a queen?” Don’t let William talk to you like that!   

Your friend,

Mom-fiction

P.S. Kate, if you have some time before the baby arrives, why don’t you follow me on Twitter and ‘Like’ me on Facebook. You won’t regret it!

THE GOOD OLD DAYS

“I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them.”

I love television, a little too much at times, but I’m not a nutcase who goes around quoting fictional characters to impart life lessons. Okay, sometimes I am that nutcase. Andy Bernard’s quote from The Office finale has been haunting me for a couple of weeks now. As I witness me and my friends grappling with the daily anxieties that inevitably accompany life as a “grown-up”, I can’t help but reminisce about the good old days in high school and college when I spent my time thinking about tests, crushes, parties and the Future.

Well, the Future has arrived, and in many ways it is filled with more laughter and love than I could have ever imagined. But let’s face it. Life is hard. We are all bone-tired. It feels like we are now bombarded on a weekly basis with some horrific news story that takes place across the country, or sometimes right in our backyards. No matter how blessed any of us feels, it’s hard not to long for simpler times.

Recently, Little Bro “graduated” from his gym class. While this won’t be the most significant graduation of his lifetime (I’m hoping) it did encourage me to pause and think about how time has just flown by. I was suddenly nostalgic for all of the times I had watched my little one so proudly attempt to walk on the balance beam or try to make a basket with the big bouncy ball.  Yet while I loved observing Little Bro blossom in his first gym class, I have to admit that during class I could occasionally be caught checking my watch or (gasp!) my phone. There were many times when I was completely focused on the flip that my son was about to do, but there were also times I could be caught taking mental notes for a future blog or figuring out if I had time after class to buy gifts for the birthday parties we were attending that weekend.  

Nowadays, I find myself caught between longing for The Future, when my young boys are a little older and I have a little more freedom, and The Past, when my boys were little babies who cuddled and cooed and seemed to do something new every day. Little Bro is finally a one-year-old. He can finally feed himself and allow me a few minutes to feed myself! We can go out in public and not worry that we will have to leave an event after twenty minutes because we’ve already gone through the three changes of clothes we brought! We can sleep through the night again (most of the time)!

And yet I still find myself pining for them to be infants once more. Look at how he just falls asleep in my arms! Did you see how he rolled over for the first time!! How cute is he when he spits out the banana?!

If I keep thinking about The Past, or longing for The Future to arrive, I doubt I’ll be able to enjoy much of anything.

That’s why I’m going to try and make Today the “good old days”.


You can follow me on Facebook or Twitter

 

MAD MEN CHARACTERS ARE JUST LIKE TODDLERS

Turns out that the characters from Homeland are not the only ones who are just like toddlers. Our friends on Mad Men are also a little lacking in maturity.

Here are the top ten ways that Mad Men characters are just like toddlers:

 

1.      Roger Sterling often throws tantrums when he doesn’t get his way.

2.      Don Draper likes to play make-believe and pretend he’s someone else.

3.      Pete Campbell has tattled on Don and his father-in-law.

4.      Everyone is obsessed with Heinz ketchup.

5.      Bertram Cooper refuses to put on his shoes.

6.      Peggy Olsen has a new best friend every week.

7.      After lunch, everyone at the office seems to take a bottle and then a nap.

8.      Betty Draper always wants seconds on dessert.

9.      Joan Harris likes to boss people around.

10.  Megan Draper likes to sing in front of everyone at birthday parties.

MOTHER'S DAY THANK YOU CARD

While it’s customary for children to thank their mothers for all of their hard work on Mother’s Day, I would like to take this time to thank my children for everything they have taught me. Here are a few lessons I’ve picked up so far.

IF YOU WANT TO PLAY, JUST ASK

A couple of weeks ago I took my two boys to the playground for a picnic dinner and to take advantage of the beautiful spring weather. I started feeding Little Bro his yogurt and told Big Bro he could play for a few minutes before eating his sandwich. A couple of minutes later, I spied Big Bro bravely approaching a group of kids who were starting a game of tag. I heard my son announce that he knew how to play tag too and ask if he could join in the game. They said yes (thankfully) and when he returned for his sandwich he couldn’t stop telling me about his new friends. I wondered whether I would be brave enough to approach a group of mothers in the playground and introduce myself. As you get older, it can be difficult to meet new people but my three-year old reminded me that if you’re brave enough to ask to be included, you may just find yourself making a new friend.

PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT

This is one of those lessons that I repeat all day long to my children, but find I need to remind myself of more. You weren’t born knowing how to do everything to perfection, and it’s important not to give up so easily after small (or big) failures. Both of my children started swim lessons a couple of weeks ago, and neither one was particularly thrilled during their first class. But Big Bro stuck it out in the pool for the entire half hour, and Little Bro only whimpered for a few minutes before giving in and bouncing along with Daddy to Humpty Dumpty. And I smiled as I watched my two children and my husband safely from the dry observation deck, because if anyone made me get into the pool early on a Saturday morning I would be crying louder than any of those kids.

 

BE PATIENT AND YOUR CHILD WILL BE POTTY TRAINED BEFORE COLLEGE

I know it’s no secret that potty training can be challenging, but until you’re in the pee-soaked trenches, you really have no idea what you’re in for. At one point, I started telling myself that not being potty trained before high school graduation could end up being an advantage. After all, my son could write his college essay about still being in pull-ups and that could be his of standing out in the crowd. Thankfully, he’ll have to find something else to write about. And I won’t be so discouraged when my younger one isn’t potty trained after one week.

 

IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING NICE TO SAY, DON’T HOLD IT IN

Toddlers have a habit of saying whatever is on their minds, and sometimes this can be extremely uncomfortable. (“Mommy, I thought you said you didn’t like her!?”) But with the awkward overshares come the uninhibited sharing of whatever emotion they happen to be feeling at the moment, which can be really sweet. We grownups don’t do that nearly enough, so remember that once in a while it’s important to tell someone how much their friendship means to you, or to thank your partner for all of their support.

BE HEALTHY

I recently stopped breastfeeding, and while this can be an emotional time for mothers, it can also be quite liberating. I suddenly don’t have to be so vigilant of everything I eat and drink. I can now enjoy a glass of wine (or two) with my tuna sashimi and not have nightmares later that night about how I have ruined my son’s future with alcohol and mercury poisoning. Fortunately, I am now also in the habit of thinking more about what I put into my body, and I may be more likely to skip the Diet Coke for seltzer with lemon juice, or try to incorporate more calcium into my diet. I hope some of those healthier habits stick around.

 

GO WITH THE FLOW

Your first child is always under your watchful eye and is protected from rambunctious older children. The second child is always under the watchful eye…of their older sibling. But Little Bro never seems to mind being lifted, poked, and accidentally tripped over. Toys can be flying across the room, missing his head by an inch, and he’ll just give me a look that seems to say, “My Big Bro is so silly, but so much fun!” The other day, I walked into the living room and found my one year old and three-year old standing on the couch looking out the window. When I inquired how his younger brother got up there, my older son replied that he had simply picked him up and assured me not to worry, that when his brother wanted to get down he would just lift him off. I almost interfered, but then Little Bro turned around and gave me that knowing smile, assuring me that it was no big deal, so I took his advice and left them both on the couch.

TO ENJOY BEING UP EARLY ENOUGH TO SEE THE SUNRISE

What can I say? If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

Feel free to follow me on Facebook at mom-fiction. You can also find me on Twitter @momfiction.

CARRY ON

Once in a while a song comes along that becomes something of a theme song for me. Something I can sing along to in my head when I need a little pick-me-up. Nowadays, Carry On by Fun. has become that song for me. I decided that every new parent needs a little pick-me-up once in a while so I've tweaked the lyrics a bit and came up with this.

 

CARRY ON

Well, I woke up to the sounds of the baby

Crying for the fifth time tonight

And I found him begging for just one more bottle

So I put my sleepy head down to cry

You swore and said,

It’s your turn…it’s your turn to feed this crying child

No it’s not I said

When you claimed you were up last you lied

Well I’ve never been through hell like this

And I know I’ve gotten up more than you tonight

 

If you’re lost and alone

Or your toddler won’t give back your i-Phone,

Carry on

May your infant not leak, for the tenth time this week

Carry on

Carry on, carry on

 

So I met up with some friends to get out of the house

The babysitter will cost us a whopping $75

And we talked and talked about how the Wonder Pets can fly

Max and Ruby have no parents and why

I’d like to think I can stay out some more

But I know I have to get home because my kids are still awake

And besides I know,

I will be woken up by 6:45am

That is if I’m lucky

 

If you’re lost and alone

Or your toddler won’t give back your i-Phone

Carry On

May your infant not leak, for the tenth time this week

Carry on

Carry on, carry on

Woah

My head is on fire

After going to the park

They refuse to leave when it gets dark

And just lay down on the floor

And cry for one, one more ice cream

Yes just one more ice cream NOW

 

Yes we are

We are such worn-out parents

Still we are invincible

We are who we are

Even on the hardest days

When our patience has been tested in a dozen ways

We will find our way home

CARRY ON, CARRY ON

Feel free to follow me on Facebook at mom-fiction. You can also find me on Twitter @momfiction.

CAN I HAVE A TIME-OUT?

The other day I was experiencing some resistance from my three-year old when I asked him to clean up his cars, so I threatened to give him a time-out if he didn’t start listening to me.

“No Mommy! I don’t like time out! It’s soooo boring!” The mere threat of the time out seemed to do the trick. He immediately pulled out his garage and proceeded to put every last car away.

In that moment, I wondered what exactly was so horrifying about being forced to take a time-out? If someone approached me and told me that I had to take ten WHOLE minutes to just sit in a corner and DO NOTHING I would probably think that I had fainted and gone to heaven. I began to contemplate some of the other things children complain about that actually sound pretty darn good to me.

Don’t tell me what to eat! If I won the lottery, one of the first luxuries I would allow myself would be a personal chef. My children essentially have this luxury but for some strange reason don’t seem to appreciate it as much as I would. My three-year old is generally a good eater, so I have a rule that as long as he tries everything, he doesn’t have to eat anything he doesn’t like. (Anyone else traumatized by the scene in Mommie Dearest when Joan Crawford makes her daughter eat rare, bloody leftover meat for breakfast?) That said, my patience is definitely put to the test when I hear, “I don’t want mac and cheese, I want chicken fingers!”

 

I don’t want to wear that! I think parents of girls receive a little more attitude in the wardrobe department than I do, but my son definitely has his preferences when it comes to clothing. Of course, these opinions are less focused on fashion and are more in the vein of “I don’t like shirts with buttons” or “I don’t want to wear a sweater today”.  I think having a personal shopper sounds pretty nice (although I guess we all have days when we don’t want to wear shirts with buttons).

Can I stay up for five more minutes!? How amazing would it be to get twelve, TWELVE, whole hours of uninterrupted sleep every single night? My older son doesn’t take naps anymore and while he always insists before bedtime that he is not even a little tired, he always ends up crashing in under five minutes. And that brings me to another complaint that I don’t understand…

Don’t make me nap today! My one-year old is often fussy when being put down for his afternoon nap, and when he is I usually take this time to go into a lengthy speech about how I would be more than happy to switch places with him and climb into his crib for a little afternoon snooze and let him entertain his brother all afternoon. Often he’ll just stare at me like I’m crazy and eventually decides to roll over and play with his activity center for a few minutes before passing out.

I don’t want to take a bath! How nice would it be to have someone draw you a nice, warm bath every night. At this point, I’m lucky if I get three minutes in the shower each morning before my one-year old starts screaming for me from his crib. Of course, this toddler complaint is inevitably followed by “I don’t want to get out of the bath!” Of course you don't.

Feel free to follow me on Facebook at mom-fiction. You can also find me on Twitter @momfiction.

Dear Mommy and Daddy (a.k.a. Kimye),

Grandma Kris recently informed me that I haven’t been doing enough publicity for the Kardashian family so I decided to share this letter that I have written to you, my loving parents, with the entire world. I hope it doesn’t make you uncomfortable that I am sharing a private moment with everyone…

Hi! It’s me… well, I don’t have a name yet, but maybe we can come up with one together! Some ideas: Kamille? Karol? Karoline? Klementine? Kolleen? So many beautiful names to choose from, I just can’t decide.

While we are pondering names, I would also like to make a request. Daddy, would it be possible for you to write a song in my honor? I mean, if Blue Ivy can have a song written for her, don’t you think I deserve the same star treatment? I know you’re busy and may not have time to write an entirely new song for me, but maybe we can just play around with some of the lyrics to one of your old ones? She take my binky. When I’m in need. You ain’t nothing but a binkydigger. I’m just throwing out ideas here; I’m totally open to suggestions. Or, if you’d like, I can ask Taylor Swift to write the song. I hear she’s won some Grammy’s and they don’t give those out to just anyone, right?

I would also like to put in a request for my own spin-off show when the timing is right. (I was thinking about six months after I am born?) Perhaps the show could be called Kimye’s Daughter Takes Gymboree? By the way, I am totes okay with being filmed all day long, but I would prefer it if you did not televise my birth. I will have had no time to do hair and makeup before making my first appearance in front of the cameras, and that just doesn’t seem fair.

A few other minor requests: I want the same amount of daily naps that Scott is granted. Bruce coaches all of my T-ball games. Regularly scheduled playdates with the Affleck/Garner brood. (Don’t they all look so sweet?)

You know what; after I’m born we can just go over all of this with my lawyer.  

I am just so excited to meet the entire Kardashian/Jenner family. Bible.

XOXO, TBD


Feel free to follow me on Facebook at mom-fiction. You can also find me on Twitter @momfiction.

AND THE AWARD GOES TO…

For as long as I can remember, I have loved watching the Oscars. When I was a child my parents used to make us Oscar parties, which basically meant unlimited sparkling apple cider and mini hot dogs. In high school, I was a movie fanatic and had always seen all of the nominated movies by Christmas. I love watching for the fashion, to see the stars mingling on the red carpet, and of course to hear what nasty things Joan Rivers has to say.

After this year’s nominees were announced, I realized something very depressing. I had not had a chance to see even one of the movies that had been nominated. I know I'll eventually get around to viewing them all, but for now I have to live with the fact that finding two consecutive hours to watch an entire movie is no easy feat. While I may not be an expert on the best films of 2012 (next year I will do better), I thought this would be a good time to give out some of my own awards for the best things I have come across this year as a parent.

 

And the award goes to…  

 

FAVORITE BOOK ABOUT BULLYING: One by Kathryn Otoshi
We received this book as a present from friends over the holidays and it makes me smile every time I read it. There are many ways to teach a child to stick up for others who are being bullied, but this is one of the more unique approaches that I have come across. Plus, as an added bonus I get to sneak in a little color/number lesson for my ten-month old.

 

EASIEST WAY FOR NEW MOMS TO EXERCISE: Stroller Strides
I joined Stroller Strides thinking that this would be a group of moms taking a casual stroll through the park, but in actuality this is a hardcore workout for moms who want to get their bodies back. The kids sit and watch from their strollers while their moms get the chance to burn off calories without having to find a babysitter. Find a class near you.

 

BEST WAY TO GET TODDLERS TO EAT THEIR OATMEAL: Quaker Dinosaur Eggs
Getting my three-year old to eat new foods can be a challenge at times, but if the food is shaped like a dinosaur somehow it becomes magically appealing. And tell him that dinosaur eggs are actually hatching in his cereal, and all of a sudden he can’t get enough of his oatmeal.

 

FAVORITE CARTOON: Doc McStuffins
This is a really cute show about a young girl who runs a little toy hospital in her backyard. She’s never met a toy she couldn’t fix, and she seems to accept everyone's insurance. Read my previous blog about my other favorite television shows for kids.

 

MOST ENTERTAINING BOARD GAME: Richard Scarry’s Busytown
A fun version of I-Spy that even I enjoy playing with my three-year old. All of the players are working towards the same goal, so there is an added lesson of teamwork. Intended for ages 3 and up.

 

BEST CLOTHING STORE: Carters

In the end, nothing beats Carters when it comes to affordable, well-made children’s clothes. The best part is that my kids seem to fit into the intended sizes. (Do anyone else’s children outgrow Ralph Lauren clothing really quickly?!)

 

BEST TOY FOR TEETHERS: Sophie the Giraffe

Yes, it’s overpriced. But not overhyped. For some reason my ten-month old loves this rubber giraffe.

 

BEST SHOW ABOUT PARENTHOOD:  Parenthood

I don’t know if I’d go so far as to say this is the best show I’ve ever watched (it's not even my favorite show that has starred Lauren Graham), but it might be the best assembled group of actors I’ve ever seen in a television show. You are guaranteed to alternate between laughter and tears every single episode.

 

FAVORITE CHILDREN’S MOVIE: Follow That Bird
I’m not sure how many times I watched this on the VCR as a child, but I think I knew every word by heart. Just don’t let your child see the new DVD cover because for some reason they put Elmo on it, and they may be disappointed to learn that Elmo hadn’t even been created yet. (Why would they do that? Isn’t a movie with Big Bird and Sandra Bernhard enough to get the kids excited these days?)

 

BIGGEST WASTE OF TIME FOR NEW PARENTS: Learning to swaddle

For some reason one of the things I was most nervous about before becoming a new mom was the fact that my swaddling skills were less than perfect. Then I got one of these and I soon realized that my time could have been much better spent worrying about all of the other things that are scary about becoming a new parent, like not having enough time to watch movies once the baby arrives.