Saturday, March 30, 2013


The other day I was experiencing some resistance from my three-year old when I asked him to clean up his cars, so I threatened to give him a time-out if he didn’t start listening to me.

“No Mommy! I don’t like time out! It’s soooo boring!” The mere threat of the time out seemed to do the trick. He immediately pulled out his garage and proceeded to put every last car away.
In that moment, I wondered what exactly was so horrifying about being forced to take a time-out? If someone approached me and told me that I had to take ten WHOLE minutes to just sit in a corner and DO NOTHING I would probably think that I had fainted and gone to heaven. I began to contemplate some of the other things children complain about that actually sound pretty darn good to me.

Don’t tell me what to eat! If I won the lottery, one of the first luxuries I would allow myself would be a personal chef. My children essentially have this luxury but for some strange reason don’t seem to appreciate it as much as I would. My three-year old is generally a good eater, so I have a rule that as long as he tries everything, he doesn’t have to eat anything he doesn’t like. (Anyone else traumatized by the scene in Mommie Dearest when Joan Crawford makes her daughter eat rare, bloody leftover meat for breakfast?) That said, my patience is definitely put to the test when I hear, “I don’t want mac and cheese, I want chicken fingers!”
I don’t want to wear that! I think parents of girls receive a little more attitude in the wardrobe department than I do, but my son definitely has his preferences when it comes to clothing. Of course, these opinions are less focused on fashion and are more in the vein of “I don’t like shirts with buttons” or “I don’t want to wear a sweater today”.  I think having a personal shopper sounds pretty nice (although I guess we all have days when we don’t want to wear shirts with buttons).

Can I stay up for five more minutes!? How amazing would it be to get twelve, TWELVE, whole hours of uninterrupted sleep every single night? My older son doesn’t take naps anymore and while he always insists before bedtime that he is not even a little tired, he always ends up crashing in under five minutes. And that brings me to another complaint that I don’t understand…

Don’t make me nap today! My one-year old is often fussy when being put down for his afternoon nap, and when he is I usually take this time to go into a lengthy speech about how I would be more than happy to switch places with him and climb into his crib for a little afternoon snooze and let him entertain his brother all afternoon. Often he’ll just stare at me like I’m crazy and eventually decides to roll over and play with his activity center for a few minutes before passing out.

I don’t want to take a bath! How nice would it be to have someone draw you a nice, warm bath every night. At this point, I’m lucky if I get three minutes in the shower each morning before my one-year old starts screaming for me from his crib. Of course, this toddler complaint is inevitably followed by “I don’t want to get out of the bath!” Of course you don't.

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Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Dear Mommy and Daddy (a.k.a. Kimye),

Grandma Kris recently informed me that I haven’t been doing enough publicity for the Kardashian family so I decided to share this letter that I have written to you, my loving parents, with the entire world. I hope it doesn’t make you uncomfortable that I am sharing a private moment with everyone…

Hi! It’s me… well, I don’t have a name yet, but maybe we can come up with one together! Some ideas: Kamille? Karol? Karoline? Klementine? Kolleen? So many beautiful names to choose from, I just can’t decide.

While we are pondering names, I would also like to make a request. Daddy, would it be possible for you to write a song in my honor? I mean, if Blue Ivy can have a song written for her, don’t you think I deserve the same star treatment? I know you’re busy and may not have time to write an entirely new song for me, but maybe we can just play around with some of the lyrics to one of your old ones? She take my binky. When I’m in need. You ain’t nothing but a binkydigger. I’m just throwing out ideas here; I’m totally open to suggestions. Or, if you’d like, I can ask Taylor Swift to write the song. I hear she’s won some Grammy’s and they don’t give those out to just anyone, right?

I would also like to put in a request for my own spin-off show when the timing is right. (I was thinking about six months after I am born?) Perhaps the show could be called Kimye’s Daughter Takes Gymboree? By the way, I am totes okay with being filmed all day long, but I would prefer it if you did not televise my birth. I will have had no time to do hair and makeup before making my first appearance in front of the cameras, and that just doesn’t seem fair.

A few other minor requests: I want the same amount of daily naps that Scott is granted. Bruce coaches all of my T-ball games. Regularly scheduled playdates with the Affleck/Garner brood. (Don’t they all look so sweet?)

You know what; after I’m born we can just go over all of this with my lawyer.  

I am just so excited to meet the entire Kardashian/Jenner family. Bible.


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