AN OPEN LETTER TO THE DUCHESS OF CAMBRIDGE

Dear Duchess,

Given the imminent birth of your first child, I wanted to offer you some advice on what to expect in the delivery room. I’ve read reports that you are planning on having a natural birth, and that you are going to get through it by listening to soothing music. I too was advised to bring music to the hospital and was assured that it would distract me from the pain. Wrong! Please, take my word for it, unless you are using your iPod to throw at everyone who keeps telling you to ‘just breathe’, it really won’t do you much good.

During my first pregnancy, a prenatal class instructor advised me to think of other distractions to bring to the hospital in addition to music. During one class I was given a paper plate and was told to draw a comforting image. I drew my husband and me lying on two beach chairs facing the ocean. In retrospect, I should have drawn me, ripping a paper plate into a million pieces and throwing it out of a hospital window.

Will your royal servants be packing your hospital bag? You must be wondering what you’ll need! Don’t go crazy packing a million things. I’m sure William will run out and get you anything you forgot at the castle. Personally, the first time I was pregnant I arrived at the hospital with a huge duffel bag, filled mostly with a fluffy robe that I NEVER TOOK OUT OF THE BAG. It laid there right next to the fancy pajamas that I NEVER TOOK OUT OF THE BAG. Did you also happen to see the episode of Tori and Dean when Tori Spelling is wearing a designer hospital gown? I foolishly assumed that I, too, would care what I looked like for visitors, but I am here to tell you that Tori might have gone a little too far with that one.

Have you picked a name yet? I would highly recommend doing that before the birth. And if William tells you he wants to wait and see what the baby looks like before making any final decisions, feel free to tell him what I told my husband, “The baby will look like a BABY, not like an Elliott or a Frank.”   

Speaking of your husband, don’t let him try to talk you into a double room. I remember when I told my husband that I wanted to try and get my own room he quite rudely responded, “Those rooms are so expensive. Who do you think you are, a queen?” Don’t let William talk to you like that!   

Your friend,

Mom-fiction

P.S. Kate, if you have some time before the baby arrives, why don’t you follow me on Twitter and ‘Like’ me on Facebook. You won’t regret it!