AN OPEN LETTER TO TELEVISION EXECUTIVES

As a parent, I’m often disappointed with the lack of shows that we can all watch together as a family. Might I suggest putting together a few “Special Event Crossover” episodes that combine my favorites with those of my children? The following are some suggestions to get you started.

 

The Max and Ruby Theory

Four highly intelligent scientists sit around an apartment eating takeout, trying to figure out what the deal is with Ruby. The show lasts for a record ten seasons because no one gets anywhere.

Dora’s Scandal

Dora lands a coveted job exploring the problems of the White House. Once her Backpack gets security clearance, she meets with Cyrus and the President in the Oval Office daily to discuss B6-13, a covert operation run by a man named Swiper. Once in a while, the First Lady and Diego try to meddle in their business.

 

The Real Housewives of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse

Minnie Mouse is happily the OG of the MMC; that is until Daisy starts trying to take control and work her way to the top of the social hierarchy of the clubhouse. When Daisy throws a party for Mickey and “forgets” to invite Minnie, Andy Cohen is called in to save the day.

 

Doc McStuffin’s Anatomy

Doc is a no nonsense toy doctor who starts a prestigious internship at the Doc Mobile Hospital in Seattle. Even distractions from McChilly and McStuffy can’t deter Doc from saving every doll in sight. And when trouble strikes, she turns to her Person, Lambie.

 

Breaking Team Umizoomi

Team Umizoomi is in over their heads when they become friends with some not so nice Bots. Also look out for the critically acclaimed spinoff: Better Call Milli.

Sesame Girls

Four friends try to navigate life in their twenties while also struggling to make rent living on the hip Sesame Street. It doesn’t take long for Hannah to realize the only person who really understands what she’s going through is Oscar the Grouch.

 

Curb Your Daniel Tiger

A curmudgeonly man keeps getting into trouble with his neighbors after constantly taking his tiger for walks without curbing him. Hilarity ensues.

 

Game of Wonder Pets

Linny, Tuck and Ming-Ming fight for control of the preschool classroom that they live in. In the end, only one can survive. And it’s not going to be Ming Ming.

Follow mom-fiction on Facebook and Twitter.

 

FOR THE FIRST TIME ON THE POTTY

The potty seat’s in place, so’s the step stool

I wonder when you’ll realize peeing in your pants is not cool

Who knew we’d need eight thousand Mickey pull-ups?

For months I’ve tried to get you to sit right there

Why even have a bathroom, it’s just not fair

Why won’t you just wear your underwear?

 

There’ll be actual pee-pee in the potty

It’ll be totally strange

But wow, am I so ready for this change!

 

‘Cause for the first time in forever

Without pull-ups you’ll be all right

For the first time in forever

We won’t need to buy those pricey diapers for the night

 

Don’t know if you’re elated or just gassy

But if it’s the latter, please don’t make me guess

‘Cause for the first time in forever

I don’t want to clean up from your mess

 

I suddenly see you sitting there

A beautiful vision, don’t go anywhere

Here, I’ll stuff some chocolate in your face



For the first time in forever

We won't drag around that heavy diaper bag

For the first time in forever

Your pants won't have an unsightly sag



And I know it is totally crazy

To dream this would happen in just one day

But for the first time in forever

Please just listen to what I say

I can't start all over again tomorrow

So it has to be today



'Cause for the first time in forever

For the first time in forever

Just freakin' listen to what I have to say



 

ZOO KEEPERS

As the mom of a toddler, I think I have a pretty good sense of what it feels like to be a zoo keeper. Actually, sometimes I fantasize about how much easier life would be if I just worked at an actual zoo. Let me explain…

Dressing a toddler each morning feels like you’ve been tasked with dressing a crab, forced to get a sock over each of his 10 legs without him scampering away. And the crab keeps taking the socks off as you put another on so eventually you just give up and sneak the socks on at breakfast while he is being distracted with French toast sticks and syrup. Finally, the crab looks down and realizes you didn’t put Mickey socks on him and you have to go through the entire process again.

Working with a toddler who is potty training feels like working in a barn, having to clean up after the animals. Except in addition to cleaning you also have to constantly bribe the horses and cows with M&M’s just to get them to sit on the potty and hear them insist they just don’t have to go. And then you have to inevitably clean up the stall a mere moments later after the barn animals have pooped their pants while standing there coyly smiling at you, still chewing on their M&M’s.  

Helping a toddler into the car each morning feels like you’ve been told to guide an elephant into a car. But this elephant wants to wear rain boots instead of sneakers and keeps running away from you until you just have to carry him out of the house and pray he’ll let you put his sneakers on in the car. And once you get the sneakers on, the elephant insists on strapping himself and starts getting frustrated when he can’t do it so starts kicking and flailing around when you try to help. Oh, and the elephant has an older brother who has only four minutes to get to school before he has to sign in late with the office.

Meal time feels like you’ve been tasked with feeding a rabbit to eat. But instead of eating only carrots, they prefer to gnaw on chocolate, and when you insist they have to eat a sandwich first they spend the next twenty minutes jumping around on all the furniture. Finally, you come to a mutual agreement that the rabbit will eat the sandwich if he gets to make it himself, but as you hand him his little yellow Gerber knife to spread the peanut butter, he insists he will only use the blue one, which is dirty in the kitchen sink.

Bath time feels like you’ve been solicited to give a whale a bath, because how could that much water end up splashed on to the floor from just one little child? And the whale insists on putting more soap on his hair as soon as you’ve rinsed it off. And wants to be washed with a blue washcloth. Only blue. And the whale refuses to get out of the tub, even after all the water has gone down and you’ve begged and pleaded with the whale that it’s not a particularly smart idea for him to just lie in an empty, cold tub with no water.  

Getting a toddler to bed feels like you’ve been asked to get a school of fish into bed. Fish that need more water than any other fish you have ever encountered in your whole life. Fish that are drowning in the huge pile of stuffed animals they demand be left in bed with them.  

You can follow mom-fiction on Facebook and Twitter.     

AND THE 2015 AWARDS GO TO…

Awards season is upon us, which means it’s also time for me to compile a list of a few of my favorite things for parents. If you’re craving more lists of my favorite things, be sure to check out my favorite children’s museums and best gifts to give to new parents.

 

BEST AMUSEMENT PARK FOR YOUNG FAMILIES: DUTCH WONDERLAND

Located in Lancaster, PA, Dutch Wonderland is a family-friendly amusement park that caters to families with young children. There are over 30 rides (many of which my two-year-old was able to enjoy), Duke’s Lagoon water play area, and some impressive shows that you can attend throughout the day. Finish off the day with dinner at a local PA Dutch Dining Smorgasbord like Miller’s. Extend your trip and visit Hershey Park and Amish Country, both nearby. Tip: Check out the website during the summer season to find out if you can visit the park for a FREE preview the night before you visit the park for a full day.

 

BEST BOARD GAME: MONOPOLY JUNIOR

This is basically a faster paced version of the classic Monopoly game, and a great way to get kids ages 5+ to work on their budding reading comprehension and math skills. It's also a good way to start teaching your little ones the value of a dollar (something you can remind them about the next time you’re in the toy store).

 

BEST BOOK FOR PRESCHOOLER: THE PIGEON NEEDS A BATH

Mo Willems’ books always bring smiles to my boys’ faces, and this one is no exception. And if you’re going to be asked to read something five times in a row before bedtime, it might as well be something that brings a smile to your face too.  

 

BEST IPAD GAME: OSMO

The website says it’s geared to ages 6+ but my two-year-old and five-year-old both love playing these fun and educational games that promote the development of problem-solving skills and creative thinking. I would especially recommend it to parents whose children are in the early stages of reading.  

 

BEST DESSERT: TATE’S COOKIES

I used to think soft-baked chocolate chip cookies were the crème de la crème, but after sampling Tate’s Cookies it was love at first bite. Originating from a small shop in Long Island, the cookies can now be found in your local grocery store. Buttery, crispy, and not overly sweet, it’s really difficult to stop at just one. Other flavors include White Chocolate Macadamia, Oatmeal Raisin and Butterscotch Pecan.  

 

BEST PICTURE: BOYHOOD

It was nominated for an Academy Award, but I’m certain that Richard Linklater is even more excited to make it on to my list of favorite things. A film about the life of a boy from ages 6-18, Linklater reunited his stellar cast every year for twelve years, allowing the audience to watch his star grow up right in front of their eyes. For those of us who don’t have much spare time (aka ALL of us), keep in mind this movie is over 2 ½ hours long, so perhaps carve out a couple of nights in a row to watch it. While I think there are many wonderful lessons to be taken from this movie, its R rating makes this a recommendation for parents, not their kids.   

 

BEST SNACK: SNAPEA CRISPS

It’s basically like eating a vegetable, right?! Well, maybe it’s not quite as healthy as eating homemade kale chips, but these are still a better alternative to potato chips and frankly I prefer them anyway.
 

BEST TOY: FOOTBALL GUYS

My five-year-old received this as a gift and it quickly became one of his favorite toys. While football captures my attention for all of 30 seconds, this seems to keep him occupied for a good chunk of time. And I appreciate any toy that comes with its own handy storage container. Choose from Football, Baseball, Soccer and Hockey Guys.

 

What makes it onto your favorites list?

Remember to follow your FAVORITE BLOG on Facebook and Twitter.

 

Fun at the Museum

Winter is officially here and parents everywhere are in search of indoor activities to keep the kids entertained. Here’s a list of some of my favorite museums across the country that are guaranteed to keep your kids entertained for hours.

Boston Children’s Museum

You know you’re going to have fun as soon as you walk into this museum and spot the giant three-story climbing structure in the center of the ground floor lobby. The museum stresses the importance of The Power of Play, and there's no shortage of activities to help put this theory into practice. There are numerous cultural exhibits, Johnny’s Workbench, KidStage, Art Studio, Peep’s World and much more.  

Carnegie Science Center (Pittsburgh)

There are plenty of exhibits to keep kids occupied here, including Roboworld, the USS Requin Submarine, an Exploration Station and a Miniature Railroad and Village. But one that stand out among them all is Sports Works. Learn about physics by becoming a human yo-yo, launch yourself into the air in a bungee-harnessed trampoline and compare your running time to an Olympian's. Kids and adults alike are guaranteed to leave this place smiling.  

Exploratorium (San Francisco)

No visit to San Francisco with kids is complete without a trip to this impressive science museum. Now located on Pier 15 in the Embarcadero, this is a wonderful place to explore tons of hands-on exhibits both inside and outside the museum walls.  

Liberty Science Center (Jersey City)

There is always something fun going on at the Liberty Science Center. Try out the new Infinity Climber, crawl through the pitch-black Touch Tunnel, dodge a sneeze from the giant Blue Nose or take the outdoor Wildlife Challenge (seasonal).  

Marbles Kids Museum (Raleigh)

Exhibits include Kid Grid (an interactive technology exhibit), Moneypalooza, and STEMosphere. No child should leave without visiting the popular Splash room, where kids explore the power and fun of water through various unique experiences.

Museum of Mathematics (New York)

Everyone knows that New York City is home to some amazing museums, but a new standout is the Museum of Mathematics, where math is made fun through various exhibits, galleries and programs. The exhibits are for kids and adults of all ages with an emphasis on activities for 4th-8^th graders.

What’s your favorite children’s museum?

Don't forget to follow mom-fiction on Facebook and Twitter.

An Open Letter to Melissa Rivers

Dear Melissa,

It’s been over a month since your mom passed away, and I still miss her. I miss watching celebrity guests appear on Fashion Police, the same ones Joan had just mercilessly teased a week earlier, now sitting next to her trying to catch their breath from laughing so hard. I miss watching guests coming out of her closet on In Bed with Joan, getting cozy and sharing life stories on her floral comforter. Most of all, I miss watching the two of you bickering and mocking one another, supporting each other and just plain driving each other crazy, on Joan and Melissa: Joan Knows Best.  Her fierce loyalty and devotion to you and your son was apparent in every scene. And watching your mom drive you crazy felt like home to me.

We’ve never met, but you and your mom have served as inspirations to me. Your mom never minced words about the painful things she had been through in her lifetime. But she survived. And she not only survived, she lived. Through it all, she was unfalteringly unapologetic, honest and real.

About one year ago, I lost my mom suddenly too. My mom was a little like your mom. She never appeared on Carson, never hosted her own show, and never even had the opportunity to get into bed with Ray J. But like your mom, she used humor to battle the difficult times in her life. My mom’s greatest life lesson to me was to laugh in the face of pain. She wasn’t always great at following her own advice, but she always got me to laugh at my own mishegas. And I think that at the core of your mom’s humor, and what made everyone love her so damn much, was that she made fun of herself more than anyone else. As Joan once said, “Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century”.

When you lose a parent, you want the whole world to stop and acknowledge it. And when Joan Rivers passed away, it felt like the whole world did stop for a moment. Your mom was a comedic treasure. A groundbreaking legend. But she was also a walking reminder to everyone who has gone through unrelenting hardships that you need to just keep going. For your family, your friends, your colleagues. For yourself.

Melissa, you are also an inspiration. I loved seeing you on television a couple of weeks ago honoring your mother on Fashion Police. Before I lost my own mom, I probably would have assumed that everyone needs to stay in bed crying for months, waiting for time to heal them and then finally face the world once more. But that’s not really how it works, is it? There is no timetable for when you will finally heal from your grief. The scary truth that I must accept is that I probably never will. I think your mom would agree and that’s why she lived her life to the fullest and simply laughed alongside the pain. Laughed at the pain. As your mom said, “I think anyone who’s perfectly happy isn’t particularly funny.”

Grief is a tricky thing to manage. For me, almost a year after losing my mom, it is always there, lurking behind every moment of every day. But something I learned from your mom is that pain and laughter can co-exist. It’s ok to laugh. No apologies.

You can follow mom-fiction on Facebook and Twitter.

FALLING FOR T.V. Fall 2014 Must Watch List

While there are certainly a few shows I’m excited about this fall, a few of them seem like imitations of themselves. Debra Messing plays a NYPD homicide detective who juggles her duties at work with a messy family life. Tea Leoni balances achieving world peace as the Secretary of State with handling her duties at home as a mother. Katherine Heigl splits her time between her work for the CIA and solving a murder mystery with a personal agenda. Kate Walsh plays a criminal court judge who must balance….well, you get the idea. However, there are also some noteworthy offerings on television this fall. Below are seven highlights from the new fall season that will ensure you don’t waste precious DVR space.

UTOPIA

Premieres: Sunday, September 7 at 8/7c on Fox
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e3fu7j02Mks
I haven’t come across too many unique concepts for reality shows in recent years, but this one definitely changes things up a bit. 15 contestants spend one whole year in semi-isolation together in the wilderness with the goal of building a new society with their own set of rules. Issues of religion and politics are sure to come up, along with why anyone would sign up for this show. I’m totally watching. 

 

BLACK-ISH

Premieres: Wednesday, September 24 at 9/8c on ABC
http://abc.go.com/shows/blackish
Anthony Anderson created and stars in this sitcom about a father of four who feels his children lack a strong racial identity. For example, his son Andre wants to go by the name Andy, wants to play field hockey, and requests for his parents to throw him a bar-mitzvah. Laurence Fishburne plays the grandfather. Black-ish will follow Modern Family on Wednesday night. Seems like a funny way to spend an hour.

 

HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER
Premieres: Thursday, September 25 at 10/9c on ABC
http://abc.go.com/shows/how-to-get-away-with-murder
Yet another sudsy show from Shonda “I own Thursday night” Rhimes. This legal thriller is headed by Viola Davis, which ensures some built-in classiness. Davis plays a law school professor whose students get tangled up in real life murder plot outside of the classroom. Admittedly, I stopped watching Grey’s Anatomy years ago, and I am one of the few out there who has never seen even one episode of Scandal, but I did watch another Shonda Rhimes show religiously which will remain nameless for the sake of you taking any of my television recommendations seriously.

 

A TO Z
Premieres: Thursday, October 2 at 9/8c on NBC
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-FKlRDYy_7o

The Mother is alive! Cristin Milioti is given a second chance at love, this time with Ben Feldman. The romantic comedy will chronicle the ups and downs of their relationship from start to finish. The last time we saw Ben Feldman he was cutting off a nipple on Mad Men, but I still think that decision makes more sense than having Ted Mosby end up with Robin, so maybe Cristin Milioti finally has a real shot at a happy ending.

 

THE AFFAIR
Premieres: Sunday, October 12 at 10/9c on Showtime
http://www.sho.com/sho/the-affair/home
The Affair delves into the messy consequences of marital infidelity from both the male and female perspectives. The show stars Dominic West, Ruth Wilson, Maura Tierney and Joshua Jackson. I may watch just to find out why anyone in their right mind would ever cheat on the adorable Joshua Jackson.

 

GOTHAM
Premieres: Monday, September 22 at 8/7c on FOX
http://www.fox.com/watch/251680835515

While poor Pacey is becoming a cuckold on The Affair, Ryan Atwood (aka Benjamin McKensie) gets to play Jim Gordon, Gotham City’s police commissioner. Gordon’s life becomes more complicated when he begins to investigate the murder of Bruce Wayne’s (David Mazouz) parents. Gotham is going to focus not only on Jim Gordon, but also on the origin stories of the Penguin, Catwoman, Poison Ivy and the Riddler.

 

MARRY ME
Premieres: Tuesday, October 14 at 9/8c on NBC
http://www.nbc.com/marry-me/video/marry-me-official-trailer/2781078

If you miss Happy Endings as much as I do, get excited for this new romantic comedy from writer David Caspe which stars Casey Wilson and Ken Marino as a couple whose relationship is such a mess that they can’t even get the marriage proposal right. From watching the preview, I feel like this is just Wilson playing Penny in a new sitcom, which is just fine by me.


Be sure to catch more of my television wisdom by following me on Facebook and Twitter.