Murphy’s Mother’s Law

If you obsess over finding the perfect little suit for your infant’s first wedding invitation, he will end up pooping all over himself before the valet has even reached for your car key.

Even the most stable marriages will be tested by at least one leaky diaper incident that will almost lead to divorce.

Whether you are preparing a turkey sandwich or beef bourguignon, your child has an innate sense of when you are about to sit down to eat and will choose that very moment to wake from a nap.

The night that you tell your child that he has to go to bed the second his television show is over will be the same night that Nick Jr. decides to air an hour-long Fresh Beat Band movie.

No matter how annoying you find the Fresh Beat Band, you will find yourself alone one day and without thinking start humming “Go Bananas”.

If you spend time lovingly preparing a meal of breaded chicken cutlets or homemade mac and cheese your child will push his plate aside, insisting he wants “the real one, not the fake one”.

Those who assume that potty training will be much easier for them than it was for any of their friends will three months later find themselves still strategically placing towels on chairs and rugs around the house, praying that they only have to do two loads of laundry that day.

 The later your child falls asleep, the earlier he will wake up.

If you prevent your child from napping before a flight, he will still stay awake for the entire flight.

When you ask your husband to watch the screaming kids for five minutes while you step out to drop something off at UPS and instead sneak off like a fugitive to get frozen yogurt and retreat to the back corner of the store savoring each spoonful as slowly as you can and return home and concoct some lie about having trouble finding the right box at the UPS store, your neighbor will see you and mention bumping into you at the frozen yogurt shop in front of your husband the following week.

Pee, poop, vomit, and runny noses will suddenly not seem so gross to you, but watching the myriad of foods your child insists on dousing with ketchup on will make you gag.

No matter how adventurous a child starts out being with food, by 2 ½ they will end up requesting four meals: chicken fingers, mac and cheese, peanut butter and jelly and a bagel with cream cheese. And oddly in my son’s case, miso soup.

The only time your child will want to try anything new will be when you are eating it, and they insist they are starving and must have a bite.

The day that your child has his first Dum Dum lollipop will be the initiation of him begging you for a lollipop every hour, every day, for who knows how long.

There will always be someone out there voicing concerns over whether your child is hungry, eating too much, too cold, too hot, needs a nap, shouldn’t be kept on such a strict sleeping schedule, has too many toys, or shouldn’t be deprived of anything his little heart desires.  The more unsolicited advice you ignore, the happier you will be.