CARRY ON

Once in a while a song comes along that becomes something of a theme song for me. Something I can sing along to in my head when I need a little pick-me-up. Nowadays, Carry On by Fun. has become that song for me. I decided that every new parent needs a little pick-me-up once in a while so I've tweaked the lyrics a bit and came up with this.

 

CARRY ON

Well, I woke up to the sounds of the baby

Crying for the fifth time tonight

And I found him begging for just one more bottle

So I put my sleepy head down to cry

You swore and said,

It’s your turn…it’s your turn to feed this crying child

No it’s not I said

When you claimed you were up last you lied

Well I’ve never been through hell like this

And I know I’ve gotten up more than you tonight

 

If you’re lost and alone

Or your toddler won’t give back your i-Phone,

Carry on

May your infant not leak, for the tenth time this week

Carry on

Carry on, carry on

 

So I met up with some friends to get out of the house

The babysitter will cost us a whopping $75

And we talked and talked about how the Wonder Pets can fly

Max and Ruby have no parents and why

I’d like to think I can stay out some more

But I know I have to get home because my kids are still awake

And besides I know,

I will be woken up by 6:45am

That is if I’m lucky

 

If you’re lost and alone

Or your toddler won’t give back your i-Phone

Carry On

May your infant not leak, for the tenth time this week

Carry on

Carry on, carry on

Woah

My head is on fire

After going to the park

They refuse to leave when it gets dark

And just lay down on the floor

And cry for one, one more ice cream

Yes just one more ice cream NOW

 

Yes we are

We are such worn-out parents

Still we are invincible

We are who we are

Even on the hardest days

When our patience has been tested in a dozen ways

We will find our way home

CARRY ON, CARRY ON

Feel free to follow me on Facebook at mom-fiction. You can also find me on Twitter @momfiction.

CAN I HAVE A TIME-OUT?

The other day I was experiencing some resistance from my three-year old when I asked him to clean up his cars, so I threatened to give him a time-out if he didn’t start listening to me.

“No Mommy! I don’t like time out! It’s soooo boring!” The mere threat of the time out seemed to do the trick. He immediately pulled out his garage and proceeded to put every last car away.

In that moment, I wondered what exactly was so horrifying about being forced to take a time-out? If someone approached me and told me that I had to take ten WHOLE minutes to just sit in a corner and DO NOTHING I would probably think that I had fainted and gone to heaven. I began to contemplate some of the other things children complain about that actually sound pretty darn good to me.

Don’t tell me what to eat! If I won the lottery, one of the first luxuries I would allow myself would be a personal chef. My children essentially have this luxury but for some strange reason don’t seem to appreciate it as much as I would. My three-year old is generally a good eater, so I have a rule that as long as he tries everything, he doesn’t have to eat anything he doesn’t like. (Anyone else traumatized by the scene in Mommie Dearest when Joan Crawford makes her daughter eat rare, bloody leftover meat for breakfast?) That said, my patience is definitely put to the test when I hear, “I don’t want mac and cheese, I want chicken fingers!”

 

I don’t want to wear that! I think parents of girls receive a little more attitude in the wardrobe department than I do, but my son definitely has his preferences when it comes to clothing. Of course, these opinions are less focused on fashion and are more in the vein of “I don’t like shirts with buttons” or “I don’t want to wear a sweater today”.  I think having a personal shopper sounds pretty nice (although I guess we all have days when we don’t want to wear shirts with buttons).

Can I stay up for five more minutes!? How amazing would it be to get twelve, TWELVE, whole hours of uninterrupted sleep every single night? My older son doesn’t take naps anymore and while he always insists before bedtime that he is not even a little tired, he always ends up crashing in under five minutes. And that brings me to another complaint that I don’t understand…

Don’t make me nap today! My one-year old is often fussy when being put down for his afternoon nap, and when he is I usually take this time to go into a lengthy speech about how I would be more than happy to switch places with him and climb into his crib for a little afternoon snooze and let him entertain his brother all afternoon. Often he’ll just stare at me like I’m crazy and eventually decides to roll over and play with his activity center for a few minutes before passing out.

I don’t want to take a bath! How nice would it be to have someone draw you a nice, warm bath every night. At this point, I’m lucky if I get three minutes in the shower each morning before my one-year old starts screaming for me from his crib. Of course, this toddler complaint is inevitably followed by “I don’t want to get out of the bath!” Of course you don't.

Feel free to follow me on Facebook at mom-fiction. You can also find me on Twitter @momfiction.

Dear Mommy and Daddy (a.k.a. Kimye),

Grandma Kris recently informed me that I haven’t been doing enough publicity for the Kardashian family so I decided to share this letter that I have written to you, my loving parents, with the entire world. I hope it doesn’t make you uncomfortable that I am sharing a private moment with everyone…

Hi! It’s me… well, I don’t have a name yet, but maybe we can come up with one together! Some ideas: Kamille? Karol? Karoline? Klementine? Kolleen? So many beautiful names to choose from, I just can’t decide.

While we are pondering names, I would also like to make a request. Daddy, would it be possible for you to write a song in my honor? I mean, if Blue Ivy can have a song written for her, don’t you think I deserve the same star treatment? I know you’re busy and may not have time to write an entirely new song for me, but maybe we can just play around with some of the lyrics to one of your old ones? She take my binky. When I’m in need. You ain’t nothing but a binkydigger. I’m just throwing out ideas here; I’m totally open to suggestions. Or, if you’d like, I can ask Taylor Swift to write the song. I hear she’s won some Grammy’s and they don’t give those out to just anyone, right?

I would also like to put in a request for my own spin-off show when the timing is right. (I was thinking about six months after I am born?) Perhaps the show could be called Kimye’s Daughter Takes Gymboree? By the way, I am totes okay with being filmed all day long, but I would prefer it if you did not televise my birth. I will have had no time to do hair and makeup before making my first appearance in front of the cameras, and that just doesn’t seem fair.

A few other minor requests: I want the same amount of daily naps that Scott is granted. Bruce coaches all of my T-ball games. Regularly scheduled playdates with the Affleck/Garner brood. (Don’t they all look so sweet?)

You know what; after I’m born we can just go over all of this with my lawyer.  

I am just so excited to meet the entire Kardashian/Jenner family. Bible.

XOXO, TBD


Feel free to follow me on Facebook at mom-fiction. You can also find me on Twitter @momfiction.

AND THE AWARD GOES TO…

For as long as I can remember, I have loved watching the Oscars. When I was a child my parents used to make us Oscar parties, which basically meant unlimited sparkling apple cider and mini hot dogs. In high school, I was a movie fanatic and had always seen all of the nominated movies by Christmas. I love watching for the fashion, to see the stars mingling on the red carpet, and of course to hear what nasty things Joan Rivers has to say.

After this year’s nominees were announced, I realized something very depressing. I had not had a chance to see even one of the movies that had been nominated. I know I'll eventually get around to viewing them all, but for now I have to live with the fact that finding two consecutive hours to watch an entire movie is no easy feat. While I may not be an expert on the best films of 2012 (next year I will do better), I thought this would be a good time to give out some of my own awards for the best things I have come across this year as a parent.

 

And the award goes to…  

 

FAVORITE BOOK ABOUT BULLYING: One by Kathryn Otoshi
We received this book as a present from friends over the holidays and it makes me smile every time I read it. There are many ways to teach a child to stick up for others who are being bullied, but this is one of the more unique approaches that I have come across. Plus, as an added bonus I get to sneak in a little color/number lesson for my ten-month old.

 

EASIEST WAY FOR NEW MOMS TO EXERCISE: Stroller Strides
I joined Stroller Strides thinking that this would be a group of moms taking a casual stroll through the park, but in actuality this is a hardcore workout for moms who want to get their bodies back. The kids sit and watch from their strollers while their moms get the chance to burn off calories without having to find a babysitter. Find a class near you.

 

BEST WAY TO GET TODDLERS TO EAT THEIR OATMEAL: Quaker Dinosaur Eggs
Getting my three-year old to eat new foods can be a challenge at times, but if the food is shaped like a dinosaur somehow it becomes magically appealing. And tell him that dinosaur eggs are actually hatching in his cereal, and all of a sudden he can’t get enough of his oatmeal.

 

FAVORITE CARTOON: Doc McStuffins
This is a really cute show about a young girl who runs a little toy hospital in her backyard. She’s never met a toy she couldn’t fix, and she seems to accept everyone's insurance. Read my previous blog about my other favorite television shows for kids.

 

MOST ENTERTAINING BOARD GAME: Richard Scarry’s Busytown
A fun version of I-Spy that even I enjoy playing with my three-year old. All of the players are working towards the same goal, so there is an added lesson of teamwork. Intended for ages 3 and up.

 

BEST CLOTHING STORE: Carters

In the end, nothing beats Carters when it comes to affordable, well-made children’s clothes. The best part is that my kids seem to fit into the intended sizes. (Do anyone else’s children outgrow Ralph Lauren clothing really quickly?!)

 

BEST TOY FOR TEETHERS: Sophie the Giraffe

Yes, it’s overpriced. But not overhyped. For some reason my ten-month old loves this rubber giraffe.

 

BEST SHOW ABOUT PARENTHOOD:  Parenthood

I don’t know if I’d go so far as to say this is the best show I’ve ever watched (it's not even my favorite show that has starred Lauren Graham), but it might be the best assembled group of actors I’ve ever seen in a television show. You are guaranteed to alternate between laughter and tears every single episode.

 

FAVORITE CHILDREN’S MOVIE: Follow That Bird
I’m not sure how many times I watched this on the VCR as a child, but I think I knew every word by heart. Just don’t let your child see the new DVD cover because for some reason they put Elmo on it, and they may be disappointed to learn that Elmo hadn’t even been created yet. (Why would they do that? Isn’t a movie with Big Bird and Sandra Bernhard enough to get the kids excited these days?)

 

BIGGEST WASTE OF TIME FOR NEW PARENTS: Learning to swaddle

For some reason one of the things I was most nervous about before becoming a new mom was the fact that my swaddling skills were less than perfect. Then I got one of these and I soon realized that my time could have been much better spent worrying about all of the other things that are scary about becoming a new parent, like not having enough time to watch movies once the baby arrives.

HOMELAND CHARACTERS ARE JUST LIKE TODDLERS

Usually I am way ahead of the curve when it comes to watching the best shows on television, but for some reason I jumped on the Homeland bandwagon really late. In fact, my husband and I are not even finished with Season Two, so no spoilers please! While watching Homeland I couldn’t help but think that these characters seemed awfully familiar. Then I realized why; they all have their moments of acting just like toddlers.

Here are the top twelve ways Homeland characters are just like toddlers:

1.    Carrie doesn’t understand the meaning of the word ‘no’…

2.    …or the meaning of the word ‘privacy’.

3.    Brody keeps putting the blame for things he’s done wrong on someone else.

4.    Remember the scene when Carrie tortures the bad guy by waking him up every five minutes from a deep sleep? This method of torture should sound pretty familiar to most every parent out there.

5.    David Estes pouts a lot when he doesn’t get his way.

6.    Brody’s favorite hiding spot is under a rock.

7.    Saul doesn’t like taking orders from anyone.

8.    Carrie often turns to the bottle when she needs soothing.

9.    Mike and Brody aren’t very good at sharing.

10. Carrie can entertain herself for days playing with her colored highlighters.

11. When left on his own, Saul chooses to eat peanut butter from a jar for dinner.

12. Carrie’s ugly cry is similar to a two-year old’s ugly cry.

MOM-MEH LIST

Inspired by The New York Times Magazine's weekly Meh List, I decided I would put together my own Mom-meh List. Here are the ten things that I deem to be "meh" this week:

1. Fish Sticks
2. Colored bubbles
3. Sesame Place
4. Belly Bars
5. Tickety-Toc
6. Silly Putty
7. Angry Birds Space
8. Bundle Me blankets
9. Candy Canes
10. Stretch mark removal cream

What would be on your Mom-meh List?

THE ART OF SHARING

Last week, Al Roker informed the world that he had pooped his pants during a previous visit to the White House. My initial reaction to this confession was one of pure horror. Couldn’t Al find something a little less offensive to chat about while promoting his book? Couldn’t he talk about something less vulgar, like maybe the weather?! But upon further reflection, I realized that he should be admired for his audacious overshare. Celebrities are always pretending to be divulging private information by admitting to their secret cravings for potato chips or their fondness for the Real Housewives, but Al Roker’s confession was a bit more jaw-dropping than that. And guess what? By next week, everyone will have moved on to the next story. And maybe the next time someone poops their pants at the White House, they won’t feel so bad.
 

I have a dirty little secret to share with you as well. I happen to hate talking about myself. I know what you’re thinking: starting a blog was a great idea! The truth is, while it hasn’t felt entirely natural to share personal tidbits about my life, it has been a lot of fun. As a new year begins, I’ve been pondering what to write about and what people even care to read about. Should I discuss how I finally started watching Homeland and divulge who I’ve developed a strange crush on? Do you care what foods my children refuse to eat? Should I talk about why I cried on New Year’s Eve? Or how many times have I fallen off the exercise bike since my first spin class?

Personally, I enjoy reading the random things people share in their blogs and on Facebook. I joined Facebook a few months after my first son was born, and for me it was a little bit of a lifesaver. The first couple of months of motherhood can be a lonely time, especially when you’ve only recently moved to the suburbs and feel overwhelmed by the mere notion of trekking to the drug store with an infant in tow, let alone getting out of the house and meeting other new moms. Facebook reconnected me with the outside world and made me feel just a little less alone. It turned out I wasn’t the only one who had been pooped on! (By my infant, not by Al Roker.) I wasn’t the only one who had been awake since 4am! Yes, teething is torture! (And I can only imagine what it’s like for the baby…) The more mundane the posts, the more I rejoiced. Other people were experiencing the same magnificent/terrifying/revolting aspects of parenthood that I was. And it wasn’t just the parenting posts I craved. I loved hearing about friends’ nights out drinking, eating elaborate meals, and viewing movies in actual movie theaters.

I guess I’m hoping that reading about my sometimes humorous and oftentimes ordinary experiences in motherhood might make another new parent feel a little less lonely. As I think about what to write about next, I can promise you that I will never be sharing a story about pooping my pants at the White House (I know what you’re thinking: you would never be invited to the White House!) For now this will have to suffice: Saul and Brody (both disconcerting for different reasons), my older son doesn’t like tomato sauce and my younger one still won’t touch green beans, none of your business, and I haven’t fallen off any stationery bikes lately, thank you very much.